| A Year Ago, You Walked Out of My Door... |
[07 Apr 2009|09:58pm] |
With a slip of a promise into my pocket, that was supposed to remind me of your return some day. I didn't think that I wouldn't get to see you again, but I could tell you knew that you would not be coming home for a long, long time. I don't know how I didn't see the expression on your face or the urgency of your last words as they rolled out from behind your teeth. Your smiles weren't as bright as they used to be, but your hugs seemed a lot warmer than the past. We stood against my car at some ungodly hour of the morning, after a long walk around the neighborhood discussing how messed up of a past we've had and how we finally had put things behind us and said our "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through", our implied "let's make things better" and outward "come to me and let me in again". I was wearing my patchwork slip on's and my favorite purple sweater. You were wearing your black pants that you love to death, with a "Famous" t-shirt. You always somehow loved to look your best around me, for every day of our 5 years and going strong friendship. Just as we had mended our wounds and started to graft the present back together, you took off for the hopes of a better life.
I didn't understand how someone could leave everything behind so quickly and without a look back out of the car window. That day, I remember I walked to general Chemistry with such a void knowing that three minutes ago you had packed your things in a car and headed South East to return who knows when. I had to keep my hopes and feelings together. I was annoyed that you never got to see the life I live now. That you never got to see how much I've grown. That you never came to say goodbye to me formally. I'm glad you spared me the "stay a little longer" and the "why do you have to go now?" I'm sure you thought it was for the best. I don't know if leaving California had as much an impact on you as it did on me, but I had your promise out on the table in front of me letting me know that it will all be okay. It's now safely tucked away in a box, where nothing can get to it. Even if I had lost hope for half a year, it never completely went away. I wanted to believe, and I wasn't going to let anything go.
It's been a year since you've left. I kept my hope out for you. For as long as I could. And one day I got fed up waiting around for something that never seemed to come. And I let you know how I felt, and we almost sort of fought over it. And I realized that it was just plainly because I missed not having you around. It hurts so badly that sometimes I can't stand it. I understood your situation, the factors, and I had to face the truth. That's just how life is going to be, and there is nothing that I can do to get you back here, in a quicker amount of time. I don't like things I can't control and every day when there makes me miss having you around, I get that sinking feeling of how things should never be this way. I somehow gathered my courage to keep believing in you, and giving up was just not the way out. I'm halfway through college and you're still working. You enjoy a different type of weather, while I am still here in sunny California. I take tango lessons at the recreation center, and you skateboard the streets of Texas. You finally have a car, and I finally started got used to driving on the highway. These miles have torn our lives apart, but I refuse to let the miles tear our friendship apart. We had a discussion about a week ago, about how nothing is ever going to change and how we are always going to be there for each other. I asked you these questions, just to keep myself in reassurance. And for once, I believe you fully, despite our past of mistrust. If you're in, then I'm in, remember? If there is truth, resilience, honesty and passion in a friendship, I have the greatest gift that could ever be given to me. Keep the light on for me.
Come back home.
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| Stay Together For The Kids |
[03 Mar 2009|06:43pm] |
"It's sad when people you know, become people you knew. When you can walk straight past someone, like they were never ever a big part of your life. You used to be able to talk for hours, now you can hardly even look at them"
How depressing is that quote?! What is even more depressing, is that we all live through this quote on a daily basis. It's so unfortunate to think of how far we've come with what we have and what we've gained in comparison to the great loss of friends over the past years. I walked into the Zot N' Go after Math 2B today, and I walked right past the guy that I was best friends with for seven years of my life without giving the slightest notion of a hello. I recognized his presence and quickly averted my gaze as to go unnoticed. I stoood in line four people behind him and debated frivolously whether to make myself noticed and greet him. To no avail, I just let him walk right out the door as he did about two years ago. I paid for what I came to the grocery store for, with not even the slightest smile on my face. "Thanks, have a nice day," I said to the clerk. I slowly made my way to the bus stop, and during my journey I passed by at least four other people in which I had stopped talking to over the past couple of years. Why does life have to be like this? Why do I have to cut ties from people, and why do they do the same to me? Is it truly that natural to accept the fact that people come and go? If so, why is it so hard for me to let go?
On a similar note, I read up on my old yearbook from high school this past weekend while being at home. It was incredibly depressing to know that such memories are out of my life. Forever. Gone. Vaporized. Although set in stone, in a book, the memories were just skeletons of a nice and happy life in which everything was so much easier. And even so, pages begin to fray, ink starts to fade, and pictures warp under the pressures of life tumbling forward in a path of forgetting. Even looking at pictures from last year, in the dorm life, it hurts. To know that things will never be the same as yesterday, is unfathomable. I passed by several hallmates from last year today and I just didn't have the courage to say hello. What is wrong with me? I was nominated "most likely to keep in touch"! And this is how I live up to my reputation? By being almost quite literally AFRAID to contact those I used to be so close with? Truth is, I am.
I've tried multiple times to make things the way they used to be, after I had "naturally" drifted away from the numerous people I used to be close to. It broke my heart every time. I tried to talk to the best friend that now has seven years of what we shared, in their heart. I tried to catch up, with the person who saved my life that one night, and for some reason doesn't understand how much he means to me. I sent a message to the room mate that taught me so much about myself, just to see how she was doing and to see if she still thinks of me at all with her new life. I don't like not having control over the simple things in my life, like relationships. I want to be able to keep my friends, thank you very much, especially when I try so hard to keep them close. But, it happens to everyone. Yes you say you are always going to be their friend and that we're always going to keep in touch, but it never happens. We always live this pretty lie, of trying and never doing. So whenever someone says goodbye to me, or that they will see me later, or that we should keep in touch, I believe them for the sake of belief only to get thwarted by the powers of things that I will never understand.
Bitter, Bitter, Bitter. I am not. Ok, so I am. But I keep it under wraps. No one likes a whiney twenty year old woman. I suck it up, I move on, I try to be the bigger person, even when I am missing you and you and you, to death. And I will always miss you, and things are never going to change. I tried bringing you back into my life, with thirty thousand different methods, and not one of them keeps you from slipping through my fingers. If you want to go, go. Just don't drag it out and say that you love me and that I made such a huge impact on your life or that we will be friends forever. In all honesty, I have no backbone when it comes to parting separate ways. I will go to all lengths to keep you by me, if you are willing to make the effort. If you are not, leave, and let me be with my bitter attitude. Next time you see me walking down the street and you ask me "Oh hey, long time no see, how have you been? We should catch up some time!", understand that when I say "yeah, it's been forever, let's grab coffee Monday at 2", I break into a billion pieces over the fact that you let so much time get between us and change our lives. You get a new girlfriend/boyfriend or a new car, or a new hairdo, or new friends, and here I am, perpetually stuck in the past and stuck with the memories that we had.
Make. Break. Mend. Repeat.
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| Why don't I know what's best for me... |
[15 Feb 2009|02:53pm] |
Lately, I get an unsettling feeling knowing that I could actually feel safe for once. Such comfort has felt so unnatural for as long as I could remember. Why can't I just accept it? Why do I have to be so stubborn with my feelings and push people away? Is my brain on crack or something? I know when I have something amazing in my hands, and I know better than to throw it away. I saw a movie the other day and the line that caught my attention was that there was a couple holding each other and the guy said to her "I have exactly what I want, right here in my hands...what do you want?" It blew me away how many times I have been asked that directly, and indirectly whether by gesture, words, or deeds. And everytime, it's so hard to find conviction within myself. But it's becoming more and more apparent on what I want in life. A family, a steady job, to settle down, to be happy with myself, and the rest of the story.
I was told today that I would not be left behind or given up on. And I think for the first time in my life, I believed such words. I believed it deep down, but my head had no idea what do with the words being spoken to me. They filtered into the bin that keeps quotes in the front of my mind, and I've been replaying it ever since. I left the apartment today with a sense of understanding that my life is becoming real finally. That my actions always have consequences, that my words can make a huge difference, and how it's imperative for me to not let the past affect my future. The past destroys things, it tears people apart, and it makes me feel so foolish to put such a burden on those that care about me. Purely shameful. I almost blew it today due to my stubborn attitude. One day, such amazing people in my life, will be walking out the door on me because it's just too much to handle. And I am always scared to death of losing such people.
The morning came so naturally, and I did not want to get out of bed. The sky was gloomy and the sun struggled for the entire morning to shine. I lay there thinking and understanding that such experiences come only once in a blue moon, and that it was privilege to be where I was. Which brings me to the question, Why can't I keep my mind out of my mouth? Keep my words behind my teeth sometimes, have some fragility and sensitivity. And to understand that people other than me, have feelings too. And now that I sit here writing this, only now, does the sun finally come out and light up my room. My bed sits there, so lonely. I am hesitant to even take a nap on it. What is even worse, is that I feel like my bad habits have caught up with me today. And now, it's all on me. "It's because I care about you, that's why I am upset" he said. All that glitters, is indeed, gold. I better hang on to that gold for dear life, or it's going to slip through my fingers, even if I am told that such will never happen.
It's time for a change.
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| As I sat in your armchair... |
[19 Jan 2009|10:12pm] |
So there I was, given the task to say everything that I needed to say. It was the end of freshman year and I was just about to step out of the doors of Niebla and leave my second family behind for good. I was sitting in the armchair of my RA's room. He explained how much of an impact I could make in this world, how it was such a pleasure to have been my Residential Advisor, how amazing this past year was. And then I was given that task. To say what I needed, whatever I wanted, to say what came to mind. Did I? Never. I decided to keep it to a few short words partly because I had started to cry and partly because words could never describe. All that I managed to choke out were the words "Thank You."
And that time was the one of the lasts in that building. Where I finally grew up. Where I met some of the coolest people in my lifetime. Where I had some of the craziest moments. Where the days flew by even if they didn't seem to. Where my heart grew from out of the ashes into a huge balloon that surrounded every soul that I had encountered and loved each and every one of them with all that I had. When I felt down, I was watched over by some of the most caring people, especially Donald Chow, my Residential advisor. I was lifted off the ground by those who reciprocated the love. I laughed until my ribs felt like they were going to explode with those who taught my heart to speak. I slept in until ungodly hours with those who had stayed up all night playing Guitar Hero. I remember Knotts Scary Farm, The Bon Fires, standing in the rain, The Clubbing Events, The Formals, The First Day and The Last Day. Nieblans, you all make it so real for me.
The day I left that hall, my heart had broken. But only for a month or so until I pulled myself back together. I went through withdrawal symptoms when I was purely bored at home. I thought to myself "right now, I would be having the time of my life if I were still at the hall." But then one day I realized that I had to move on from all this and that there was nothing to fear about the past. Those people would still be there for me especially when I needed them in the future. I was sure of it. Especially Donald. He had been through a lot in my life during my freshman year, and I wasn't about to throw it away. Now, over a year later and reminiscing while listening to James Morrison's "You Make It Real", I realized just how truly blessed I was to have lived with 75 amazing people all under one roof. And to call more than one of them, a true hero of mine. Nieblans, we are Rockstars. Always.
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| So Another Year Has Passed, Mama... |
[12 Dec 2008|01:44am] |
December 12th, 1997- Krisztina Paulay Orient passes away.
That day, life changed forever for me. I know many people throw around that phrase like it means something to them. But losing my own mother, I had another thing coming for me.
Oh how it hurts. It hurts, hurts, hurts. Every day. You promised you would have been there for my eighth birthday, and you never made it. You promised. And here I am one more year without you in my life. You may be here in spirit, but being the selfish being that I am, I want you all for my own, in flesh and bones and a beating heart, here in my arms, mother. I can't stand it sometimes. I fall asleep knowing that I'd wake up another day without your voice. The word "without." It seems so common these days. I'm without this, and without that. And worst of all, I'm without you. Surround me, mother. I need you so much. Everything reminds me of you. I don't even know where to start with this post, oh wait, I already have. I'm lost without you. I always will be. I asked my step-mother why it always has to hurt this much, and we both know that this pain will never go away. But I find comfort in so many things.
In the utmost respect of the term "comfort", Dad completely fits the bill. He's one of my heroes. He went to bed the night that you left us for Heaven, all alone. Completely alone. I don't even remember if my eight year old self had the conceptualization of even crawling into bed with him. I can't imagine how difficult it was for him to crawl into bed without the love of his life. You left us, and it wasn't your time to leave. I know it wasn't. Unfairness ruled this land that day. The pain left us so empty that day, and from then on a lot of the times. We made it together. From the day that he told me on the way home from school that you died, to right now, where he just went to bed after playing his new-found hobby, the guitar. I remember it just like yesterday when I would play piano in the living room diligently and do my homework, while Dad made goulash. Oh the house was so quiet quiet quiet without you. For the longest time. I realized that all I had was him, and he was my rock. My savior. The one man in my life who will love me for everything that I am, truly, deeply, always. He pulled our family through the hardest times, without you. It was just me and him for a while. And we were the perfect pair to keep each other going. Mom, we miss you. Every day. And it's so hard sometimes without you here, I wish you could see that.
Dad and I are making it fine right now. I'm in college now and I'm a grown young woman. I'm pursuing a degree in biology, and I have some of the best friends that I could ever ask for. I'm sure you were able to witness my high school and middle school years, weren't those the years? Oh the teens. Dad and Pam are doing great, and we celebrate all the holidays with each other. But it's never the same without you. Ever. I miss the smell of your cooking, and me tugging at your dress when I was nagging you for something. I miss playing legos in the living room, and playing piano with you. I miss having you come to my dance recitals. I miss you watching me ride around on my obnoxiously pink tricycle in the backyard. I miss our road trip days with dad where I would LOVE to chase the ducks at the duck pond. I miss your red glasses, and the way your hair smelled. I miss your voice, and I miss your spirit. I miss having you in my 5th grade classroom as our teacher's aid. I miss your love, I miss your hugs, I miss your kisses on my forehead, I miss you braiding my hair for school, I miss you yelling at me, I miss our arguments, I miss my tantrums I threw at you, I miss it all, I miss you you you.
Memories seep through my veins in an alarming rate in realization that it's been eleven years without you here. More than a decade. I'm getting old now without you here. I am turning twenty years old on the sixteenth of this month. If I had one wish for my birthday, it would be to have you back on Earth. Oh what I would give. I've come to terms with the circumstances, and completed the cycle of grief all the way up to the last step: acceptance. But just because I am "over it", it doesn't mean that I don't feel the pain for all that I lack, every single day. I try to keep a smile on my face for you, mother. All for you mom, mama, mother, mommy. I live my days in and out, all for you. I make the friends I make, all in hopes to be as great of a person as you were. I make a difference, all in hopes to make the differences that you made. I try to be the hero, just to live up to how you used to live. I live all for you. Everything I do. I am who I am, all because of you. I remember that letter you wrote me right before you died explained everything about life and what you wanted to tell me, even if you had only a week left of life. I knew you wrote that, because you knew you were going to pass. And oh how I wish I was able to say goodbye, but I never had the chance to. It's going to be so difficult to talk about this with dad, or anyone at that matter. Every time I bring it up, I start crying so hard.
There's always a reason behind chronic aching of the heart.
So another year has come and gone, and I am still left with
an open hole in my heart. I'm a happy, grateful and respectful
person 99.9% of the time, don't get me wrong. I LOVE LIFE. But
there's always going to be that 0.999% that constantly hurts.
Thank you for being the most amazing mother. For being the best person I have ever met in my entire life. I hope you did not suffer much when you passed. I hope that you dreamt of me and dad. I hope that you enjoyed life, just as much as I witnessed you did. I hope that you enjoy your escape. It's easier to believe that I will be seeing you again some day, mother. I love you, from the bottom of this tired but mending heart. Mom, thank you for always being there for me, whether in flesh or in spirit. You will always be with me. Always. Rest in peace, winter has fallen upon your grave, know that my hands fall upon it too in love, faith, grief and moving forward even if I don't want to.
12.12.1997.
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